STDs only happen to other people: but pray those other people don't include your boyfriend.  Over a year after I dated someone, an ex of his came to me to set me straight...and basically tell me to get my ass to the gyno.  Scariest conversation of my life.  She'd tell me horrible things about him, always finishing with "And that's nothing.  That's nothing.  I have more to tell you, sometime when we're alone, not here...." 

Finally I just asked, "Is he sick?"

She didn't immediately say no, which was worse than how she finally nodded her head.  Because as soon as she didn't jump to reassure me "no," I knew.  The asshole had a fucking dirty dick and knew it and never told anyone.  He's on medication so the symptoms don't show but it's incurable and never really goes away or stops being contagious.  It's forever, unlike love.

Fortunately for me, I'd never in the intervening year shown a single symptom or abnormality that would indicate it, and my test came up clean, as I'd been careful with him.  But I can't shake the knowledge that I may be able to pass it on even though it didn't show up on me.  Some people just have really good immune systems.  Now I have this annoying responsibility to make sure everyone I sleep with for the rest of my life already had it before they met me so I'm not infecting any clean people.  Bummer.  That rules out four in five people.  THAT'S how common this stuff is, kids....one of five.  Got five exes?  One of them was a filthy bastard.  Get tested.  You could have it for years and not know.

Over the following, anxious weeks sorting this out, scenes from our relationship came back to me in glimpses where I realized I should have realized what was up.  For the benefit of anyone who bothers to read this, I give you:

The Times I Should Have Realized My Boyfriend had an STD

1. He wants me soooo bad....until he gets the green light.

Him: "I want you naked right now."

Me: "I bought condoms..."

Him: "Whoa...hold on I thought we were gonna wait until you came back" (from several-month-long trip, during which we agreed we weren't gonna do the long-distance thing.) 

Come on!  Say goodbye right there.  Whether that's because of STD's or something else, the guy rejecting the girl that way is clear as daylight NOT a worthwhile relationship and it's a crime to give the guy another second of your time.  He didn't slap me in the face, but I'd honestly have rathered that than what he said.

2. He is older than me and has had plenty of exes, or he is "so good looking he's gotta be a player." 

He is.  With a dirty dick.  Don't even question your gut. If he can get any girl, guarantee you he does.

3. He uses drugs.

All I ever saw him do was pot, only occasionally.  Thought nothing of it.  Later I learned he was a cokehead as well as a much more addicted pothead than he seemed around me, and was into God only knows what else.  Whatever a guy is doing in the beginning of dating you is not the real him but his best behavior.  If it's the first couple weeks and he's smoking occasionally, that's the best he can clean up his act - when you're not around, he's contantly stoned and doing lines of coke at parties.  When I met him a year later, I recalled to him that he didn't used to smoke cigaretes when we were dating.  He had no idea what I was talking about and told me he's been smoking for years.  Guys who have to be constantly messed up probably hang out with girls who do too...and subsequently have irresponsible sex with them.

4. He is unnaturally dedicated to "pleasing you."

It seems like he's all about your pleasure, but he's probably just examining you.  Some bitch gave something to him - he's not gonna let that happen again.  He probably likes the lights on.  Every time you're alone together in daylight he's bending you over and trying to get a good look up your skirt.  He's very nosy about your past and your exes and your history.  He's determined to learn how many lovers you've had...and volunteers none of this information on himself.

5. He looks ashamed, and meanwhile checks and double-checks you're sure you want to sleep with him.

A green light is a green light - he should be tearing your clothes off that very minute!  After weeks and months of telling me how badly he wanted me, he totally balked at the reality of opportunity.  I mean backed the fuck off, looking like a cat who swallowed a canary, looking like he knows something I didn't.  It didn't really look like that at the time - just looked wrong somehow - but in hindsight, holy shit, that was guilt all right.  It was at least a week between the green light and his redeeming it.  Phone calls became infrequent compared to the usual 3, 4 times a day and he asked to see me less often.  Right before, he said, "you don't want to."  Almost like he was trying to talk me out of it after so many weeks talking me into it.  He also kept me completely away from alcohol the whole night, when every other night he was buying me enough drinks to knock out a clydesdale. Idiot that I was, I thought he was being responsible with me or at least avoiding the possibility that I'd ever say he got me drunk and took unfair advantage.   He constantly said things like "How can you wanna be with me?  You're too good for me," or "you're so clean and pure what are you doing with me?"

My overall impression was mixed messages and - ugh - wondering what was wrong with myself, wondering why suddenly the thing he begged me for for so long now seemed like such a chore to him, feeling ugly and rejected, sort of, and most of all unloved and taken aback.  Like I thought he wanted me, what's wrong?

If you feel like that, consider the possibility that he does like you; therefore doesn't want to infect you until he's sure you're prepared to acknowledge you are the maker of your own misery and completely aware of the risks you subject yourself to .  After all - keep in mind - you ARE.  I reserve my right to think he's a peice of shit son of a whore devil not good enough for hell itself....but that doesn't mean I don't deserve what I got.  We all know what can happen.  Choose carefully!

Secretly I call him my Chosen One.  When I realized I didn't want to get married for a really long time, maybe never, maybe I wouldn't even live to be as old as I want to be then... it followed with the realization that there's possibly no one to save myself for.  And is the chance that there is, worth the fun I'll be missing by abstaining through my twenties??  NAH...Just then I met a great guy who treated me like a queen and lived his life to the standards I expect real men to live up to.  So he asked me to be his girlfriend and I chose him.  I knew he'd at least call me the next day and say all the things I needed to hear.  And then I left him so I wouldn't have to watch him lose interest or whatever awful things happen after you do that too soon. 

Now...a year after I moved away from my Chosen One and presumably lost him forever to someone too stunning to be possible...I have cried all my tears, drunk all my beers, thrown all my bottles and gotten the message clear through my heart that it ain't gonna happen.  It's time to move on.  It's BEEN time to move on for a while.

I'm ready to date other people, I know I am.  I'd even be ready to strike up a new romance with the right person, without fear that I'd break his heart at the first text message from the Chosen One. (In my dreams).

There's only one really big problem:  I'm not attracted to anyone.

In 365 days, I have not seen ONE guy I've been attracted to.  Nobody is like him.  Nobody is just as good in their own way.  Nobody is 6'4" 230 27 years old and strong enough to pick me up over his head as easily as I put on a shirt.  Nobody else has an outgoing, charming, magnetic personality that perfectly compliments my quiet, thoughtful contentment.  Nobody else grew up all over the world, or is his awesome mix of backgrounds.  I cannot imagine any way a guy could be more attractive than he was.  Since I met him, all the other guys I used to think were cute just suddenly got ugly, including Justin Timberlake, Johnny Depp, and Orlando Bloom.  Before him, I never met anyone I respected as a real man, who wasn't related to me.  That's why he was the Chosen One.

What the hell am I supposed to do?  I'm not even going to try to get that guy back.  I really want to find someone else.  Should I just date guys I'm not attracted to and see if that changes?  Is this normal?

Where would you start if you were soon going to see someone you left a year ago?

It was an all-around good - no, great - situation except for the leaving part.  We met two months before I was expecting to take a job overseas that would last a year.  Knowing I was leaving, we purposely agreed to a 'fling' situation with no strings attached and no pressure and no future expectations.  Neither of us were ready for that in our lives.  As you can imagine, this made everything so much f*cking FUN that we were crazy about each other in no time and he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I said yes even though I knew there'd have to be a break-up because he was very clear that he did not like long distnce relationships and I don't believe in them unless the people've been together longer than they'll be apart.  But even the break-up was fun! And I was the one who was dumped! We continue talking and I haven't lost my shit over here so far.

I'm soon returning to my small hometown where everyone goes to the same bars.  I want to see him again - he's already suggested it - but I'm so nervous I could pee my pants.  I know he has a whole life to live without me now and I don't wanna barge into it and have to see him with whoever he's with now because I think I'd die of a broken heart or at least be psycho.  How can I be respectful and sane and stop worrying?  What could I do that - in a guy's opinion - would make a good impression?  Please help.  I don't want to freak him out but I'm so nervous that I might, and I won't have a life yet when I first get there to keep me busy. If you ever returned to anyone after forever away, how was that?

P.S. I've also gained some weight.  I can lose it all by then if I really go at it, but I have boobs now and I like them, so I'm on the fence whether it's necessary.  Before I left I was so skinny I look kind of sick in pictures from then and now I'm still kinda thin but more three-dimensional AND I can cook.  Would this matter, since he originally wanted me as a beanpole?  (Shallow men don't offend me - in fact I only date people I'm wildly attracted to myself so say whatever you want if you have a 'oh no he didn't' comment on that).  I'm new to this so I'm not real sure how it works or who I'm supposed to be talking to.  But thanks for your input.